Teeth

I think my teeth get more crooked by the day. Seriously, I don't think I have one straight tooth in my mouth. Every single one seems to be at least slightly askew. No two teeth are perfectly aligned. Such was my lament to the dentist this last visit, but she pointed out at least I had teeth, which was a good observation, being that she's a dentist and all.

My dentist is from France and very good-looking, but that's not why I go to her. She's inexpensive and local. She gave me a good tip, too -- rinse with a fluoride treatment after brushing. I have a couple superficial cavities formed below where the gum line used to be -- my gums having receded with age -- and a steady diet of fluoride should help them fill back in. If not, then she drills. I hope it won't come to that. I kind of like getting my teeth cleaned in a masochistic sort of way, but drilling can be unpleasant even when numbed with Novocain.

Now I'm trying to whiten my teeth. I even bought the stuff they sell at the dentist office. Some years ago, I had the trays made for my teeth, and now all I have to do is fill them up with hydrogen peroxide gel and properly position them. But I've been doing it for a week now with no results. I think I may have gotten gypped, though they don't usually rip you off at the dentist's -- not so blatantly anyway. I'll have to call them up and see what they say. Maybe the stuff went bad. It still foams up though. We'll see.

I always had at least a couple cavities every time I went to the dentist as a kid -- a steady diet of sodas will do that to you -- and our family dentist didn't use Novocain when he drilled. The movie "Marathon Man" brings back those memories every time I see it. Whoever directed that movie knew how to tap into our irrational (or rational) fears of the dentist. Now I've learned to embrace the wonders of Novocain.

Now they have a numbing gel they put on your gum before injecting the Novocain. That in itself is a big step forwards in dentistry. I remember it being watermelon flavored, but I may be mistaken. I suppose it could taste like crap, and I'd still use it.

My dad used to complain about having to wear a bridge, which is a type of semi-false teeth. They hook onto your regular teeth via metal bridgework, hence the name. I remember one evening in the living room. I might've been 10 years old at the time. The whole family was there including my older brother Joe and even maybe some of the neighbors. Somehow my father in attempting to replace his bridge had actually hooked a sharp part of it through his tongue, and he was trying to get someone to help them to no avail. I think there was blood. He finally ended up going up to the bathroom and unhooking himself looking in the mirror. He returned rather angry that no one had helped him, but after that he reveled in telling the story of how he knew how a fish felt when getting hooked.

I remember my dad once complaining how a dentist pulled out his upper eyeteeth. At the time, I didn't know what eyeteeth were, but now... ouch. It's interesting how specialized our teeth are -- they cut, tear and grind depending on their placement and shape. I'm missing one of my grinding teeth, a big molar. It was one of those teeth that had been drilled out so much from cavities that it just broke off one day from pressure. It didn't help that I used to bite down on fireballs.

I have to give my old man credit, though, he instilled a good brushing ethic in all of us kids I think. It took a while to take on me, but it took. But the main thing that saved my teeth was going to the dentist on a regular basis. I think the last few years was the longest I went without going, and that was due to frequent hospital visits. I think I'm back on track now. I'll let you know in six months.